Hello everybody, and welcome to another coronavirus PANIC edition of my AEW Dynamite results and review 3/25/20! On tonight’s episode, one of the promising young stars on the AEW roster will meet a complete dingbat when Darby Allin takes on Kip Sabian! Jake Hager will be in action! I don’t know who his opponent is, but I hope his health insurance is paid up.
Brodie Lee (the former Luke Harper) will have his in-ring debut against QT Marshall! And Kenny will defend his AAA championship against Sammy Guevara. Another championship coming for the Inner Circle! Chris Jericho is standing by with a bottomless pit of bubbly. Matt Hardy will go face to face with Chris Jericho, and Cody will be against Jimmy Havok, whoever that is. And if that wasn’t enough for you, Kenny is on commentary tonight, so welcome to the first-ever MUTED edition of my review of Dynamite! That’s right, I’ll have no context for any of this. It should be a blast!
AEW Dynamite Results and Review 3/25/20
Match #1: Cody vs. Jimmy Havok
I’d just like to point out that Cody’s wife is still the announcer. CONFLICT OF INTEREST! I wouldn’t be surprised if she passed him a foreign object. I’m not sure what Havok is going for, but he reminds me of Robert Smith from the Cure. I wonder if Cody will still take off his belt in this match. There’s not much happening in this match, so I’d like to say AEW killed it last week with how they handled this pandemic. Using the wrestlers as the crowd was a genius move and added a lot to the show. They’re not sticking with it though, this week they’re using a fixed camera in the locker room area. One other thing: If Cody’s the American Nightmare (Dustin also used that in WCW), how is he a babyface? That part makes no sense to me.
These guys are going all over the arena in the opening match. Way to give the other guys on the card something to do fellas! I don’t know where this other guy came from, but Cody is miles ahead of him in the ring. I’ve said many times Cody isn’t great, but he’s a lot better than this dude is. Having said that, I do like his leather pants. Cody wins with the Cross Rhodes and his wife runs into the ring to celebrate with him. Get a room, you guys. Moving on.
Jake the Snake…
Jake Roberts shows up on the big screen for another promo. I had to unmute for this segment. He’s apparently mad that they never called him when AEW started. He compares Cody’s wife to Monica Lewinsky. Sick burn! If you don’t know who that is, I won’t be the one to tell you. Jake throws out another challenge to Cody, but Cody has yet to answer. And we’ve muted again.
Up next is Darby Allin with another monochrome art film. I actually really like these! Without a word, he makes it clear he’s targeting Jericho and his crew. He’s already proven he can beat them all up with a skateboard, so this appears to be the next logical step. Take notes Moxley, this kid will show you how it’s done.
Match #2: Darby Allin vs. Kip Sabian (w. Penelope Ford)
As I said, Darby has already proven he’s both tough and resourceful, so this shouldn’t take long! His opponent got knocked on his ass by Colt freakin Cabana last week with very little effort. Much like the first match, this one also goes out to the floor. Is that really necessary with no people?
Sabian better keep an eye on that girl he’s with, we know she has very low standards given the crop of men she’s been involved with before! Darby does an innovative version of the stunner in this match, I’ve never seen that move done that way before. Penelope provides the distraction by grabbing Darby’s leg. Just hit her, she’s bigger than her man is! Sabian taunts Darby, which is hilarious because he looks out of breath the entire time he’s doing it. Darby looks like he’s going for an inverted Figure 4, but then he turns it into a pin and wins. That was a clever move, nicely done.
Match #3: Jake Hager vs. Chico Adams
My man Jake Hager is here, and he’s all upper body. I don’t have a clue who Chico is, but Hager’s about to show him the difference between a man and a boy. Hager wins by submission in no time with a sweet takedown into a ground-based triangle choke. Keep the change kid.
Jon Moxley shows up and lays out Hager. Hager flees and this segment’s over. Moxley is backstage for a promo and I didn’t unmute for this. I assume whatever he said is directed toward Jake Hager. Let me tell you, Moxley, you don’t want none of him. Next!
Match #4: QT Marshall vs. Brodie Lee
I really like the pacing of the show so far. This will be Brodie Lee’s first singles match in quite a while. Let’s see if he has what it takes to have a decent match on his own for once. I wasn’t wowed by him showing up last week. I’m so used to seeing him show up in thrown together outfits that I’m not sure how to feel about his new ring gear. I liked him better when he looked like he lived under a bridge. Put your hair down dude. QT takes a lot of heat in this match and gets very little offense, as expected. I couldn’t help but notice Brodie used the Sister Abigail set up for his discus clothesline. I see what he was going for, but it doesn’t make sense. Just go for sudden impact, no need to taunt your opponent beforehand.
Match #5: Sammy Guevara vs. Kenny Omega
Sammy is out first, and he’s already flirting with Brandi. Cody is on commentary and sees this, but he does nothing about it. Sammy’s got some hand-drawn pictures of her and all the Inner Circle guys, which he’s placed on chairs at ringside. I just want to say, I love how far Sammy has come since I’ve started watching. It’s been less than four months, and he’s totally embraced his role as Jericho Jr. Did you guys see that video that was making the rounds of Sammy G doing pushups in his house while Judas plays in the background? His entire house is like a shrine to Jericho. He has a life-size cut out of Jericho in his living room.
This week, we’ll answer the old question: if Kenny Omega has a 20-minute match, and no fans are there to see it, does it really matter? I won’t bore you with the number of moves and kick outs in this match. Kenny wins with his electric chair drop.
Main Event: Chris Jericho & Matt Hardy: Face to Face
Is that Judas playing?! Chris Jericho’s here, and he steals the camera and makes the camera guy sing his theme music. BRILLIANT! Of course, I’ve unmuted for this segment. Jericho gives Matt Hardy a chance to join the Inner Circle! How generous! Matt Hardy’s drone shows up and Jericho does a promo on it. Great work! The drone flies away and Matt Hardy appears. He’s way up there! I’m afraid of heights. After a series of camera tricks, Matt Hardy teleports to ringside.
Matt enters the ring and Jericho makes his pitch. This is the Chris Jerishow baby! Obviously, you’d want to be on Jericho’s side if you had the choice. I’ve been a card-carrying member of the Inner Circle fan club for a few months and I feel great! Matt claims he’s here because the Young Bucks resurrected his career. Look how many careers Chris has made since he showed up here! Matt spouts some nonsense and Jericho tries to play along.
He really wants Matt to join, so he’s doing what he has to do. This is Matt’s last chance, which side will he go with? Matt does the Delete thing and refuses to answer Jericho’s question. I can’t even follow what Matt’s talking about, but this is clearly the highlight of the show. Jericho’s had about enough of Matt Hardy’s shit by now. He smacks Matt, and Matt smacks Jericho back. Sammy G shows up and hits Matt from behind! Cody and Kenny come down from commentary to make the save. Where was Hager during this?
My Final Thoughts on AEW (3/25/2020)
I’ve already said everything I can say about the matches on this show. What was that last segment all about? You guys should all watch it and leave your thoughts. The line in the sand has been drawn: Matt Hardy is with Kenny and Cody and those guys. Bad decision Matt, Chris and his crew are gonna beat you so bad, you’ll be back to wearing tight T-shirts and cargo pants in no time. I’m super interested to see what these guys do next week!