An overly opinionated AEW Dynamite Review 4/1/20
Here we are again for another AEW review everybody! I’ll be blunt: After last week’s debacle in the main event segment, which featured Chris Jericho doing a promo on a drone and Matt Hardy teleporting, I had a tough time convincing myself that I could come back to review the show this week. That segment was awful. Somebody needs to put a filter on Matt Hardy from now on. The standards are now lower than they’ve ever been, so let’s see if they can top that this week. Not much to plug this week, there are actually some guys in the crowd this time so that should help liven things up a bit. Tonight, we’ll see the debut of Dustin Rhodes and QT Marshall as a team, along with Jake Roberts and his man, Lance Archer! That I’ve been waiting to see, so let’s get on with it!
Match #1: Kenny Omega vs. TRENT (w. Pockets and Chuck Taylor)
Well, this match is going to suck! With Kenny involved, we can all be assured this match will be far too long, especially for an opener. And Pockets somehow makes this even worse! Poor TRENT is stuck in the middle of all this mess. Kenny really needs to go back to Japan. They actually have something with TRENT, but they’ve taken away his last name and stuck him with Pockets, so he’ll never get anywhere.
This show has just started, and I’m already upset. It doesn’t bode well for the rest of the show, but I’m here already, so I won’t turn the show off unless something ridiculous happens like last week. I really wish I hadn’t seen that segment. In case you care about this match (I don’t), Kenny wins with his electric chair drop after the match almost reaches its time limit. Called it!
After this match, we see a recap of the segment from last week with Matt Hardy and Chris Jericho. I’ve already said enough about that, moving on!
Match #2: Hikaru Shida vs. Anna Jayy
After that last debacle, we’re on to our next match. I’ve never seen this other girl before, so I have no opinion on her. This whole division is ridiculous, to begin with. Thankfully, this match doesn’t last long and Shida gets the win. Moving right along!
Has this show taken a dip in quality in the last two weeks or what?
Two weeks ago they nailed it, but ever since Matt Hardy and Brodie Lee got here, it’s gone right to shit. You guys have no idea how much I’m missing MJF right now. He could turn this entire show around.
After the match, Shida confronts Dr. Britt Baker, who’s sitting in the audience. She takes her shoe off, so we know she’s getting serious. Shida gets scared and leaves. What was the point of all that?!
Match #3: Lance Archer (w. Jake Roberts) vs. Marko Stunt
This match better last twenty seconds. This is the best opponent they could find for Archer? He’s new, so if it takes him more than a minute to wreck this midget he’s totally dead. According to this little prick’s win/loss record, he’s 4-4. This is exactly why we don’t need win/loss records for everybody on the roster. That gimmick should only be used if you’re trying to build someone up to look like a badass. This little prick will never be that, and if they had an actual crowd, nobody there would ever buy that shit.
Lance Archer thankfully wins a totally one-sided match. Archer turns to leave, but changes his mind and comes back. He flings the midget into what would be the fifth row if there were people there. Some people were there to spot him, which is a shame. This means I may have to see him wrestle again, and I’m not happy about it. Great work by Lance Archer though. More of this please.
Match #4: Dustin Rhodes & QT Marshall vs. 8 & 9
Yes, everybody, you read that right. In the opposite corner for this match are two members of the Dark Order, who are so nondescript they don’t even get names. How creative. This match doesn’t last long either before Dustin and QT Marshall get the win. It’s about time because Dustin deserves to get a win every once in a while.
I hate to use that argument, but Dustin can still go and should not be laying down for any of the Dark Order guys unless it’s Brodie Lee. And speaking of Brodie Lee, here he comes! Dustin’s standing right there, but Brodie totally ignores him, comes to the ring, and powerbombs his own man. He lets the other guy live to tell the tale. Was that 8 or 9 that he powerbombed? It was never clarified.
Main Event: Sammy Guevara & Shawn Spears vs. Cody & Darby Allin
Cody’s been replaced on commentary by Colt Cabana. I’m not looking forward to that part of this match, but Darby Allin is over with me, and Sammy G is really coming along. During Cody’s entrance, Darby Allin is sitting in the corner Raven-style! PERFECT. This is EXACTLY where they need to go with him. He doesn’t need to be teaming up with anybody unless it’s one of his people. Now he just needs to get some people. They’re on the right track! Darby looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here, much like me at this point. Two weeks without MJF makes me a dull boy. If he’s not here next week, I may develop a rash. We need you, MJF.
Cody tags in and beats up both guys on his own. Sammy and Spears go to the outside, and Cody and Darby go for a double suicide dive. Spears and G MOVE OUT OF THE WAY?! I haven’t seen that in years, so I thought I’d put it over here. Nice move, bad guys!
On commentary, they say Spears is looking for a tag team partner since he can’t get over on his own. He’s teaming with Sammy G now, so I guess he found one, but he is NOT a member of the Inner Circle. I just wanna make that clear, if this dork joins the Inner Circle, I’m out.
Cody takes off his weight belt and throws it to his wife. More face time for Brandi! She’s AEW’s Becky Lynch! This match ends when Spears gets the win over Darby with the dreaded roll-up! Of course, because we all know Cody can’t take the pin.
Cody tries to console Darby after the match ends, but he’s not having it and lays Cody out. GREAT! They’ve turned Darby heel! I’ve been calling for this for weeks! Darby was already popular as a babyface, so he should be just as popular, if not more so as a heel. I’m super excited to see what happens next with Darby, but the rest of this show was nonsense!
My Final Thoughts on AEW (4/1/2020)
This entire show feels like an April Fool’s joke! No MJF, who is the one person who can get over in this mess no matter what. Lance Archer finally showed up and wrestled, but he had to wrestle a midget. Darby turned heel, but he had to take the pin. And Brandi still got face time just because. If anything happened with Jericho and Matt Hardy, I missed it and I’m very grateful for that. What will happen next with Darby’s heel turn? I’ll be back next week!