No flowery nonsense in my opening this week let’s get right into my AEW Dynamite Results 4/29/20. This morning, I saw a video of some dick wrestling a blow-up doll in Japan. I don’t know who did it, and I don’t know how long ago it was, but as a fan of wrestling, I was disgusted. Wouldn’t surprise me if the guy who was responsible for that ends up on this roster at some point. Aside from that unfortunate business, we’ll see more tournament matches tonight. Will Pockets win another match? I hope not! HOLY SHIT!!!! I JUST FOUND OUT KENNY OMEGA DID THIS TOO!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME SINCE HE IS A PRETENTIOUS DOUCHE!!!
After six weeks of waiting, my close personal friend, MJF finally made his return to AEW (in a pre-recorded promo from his rat’s house). What will this kid do next? At this point, I’m only interested in him and Chris Jericho, who happens to be on commentary once again!
Match #1: Cody vs. Darby Allin
This should be an interesting match! On one side, we have Darby, who is on the rise. He’s beaten most of the roster save for Jericho, but can he beat Cody? Cody’s God around here, so probably not. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Cody’s wife has followed him to ringside once again. Will she get face time in this match? The short answer is yes, she will. The beginning of this match plays out just as you might expect. Both guys get a chance to shine, but neither can get over the other. Midway through this thing, both guys are outside the ring. Darby charges Cody, who sidesteps him, and Brandi gets plowed into the barricade wall! That’s right, Darby just plowed Cody’s wife!
Cody is NOT happy about this and he goes for the Cross Rhodes, but Darby is out at two. Darby gives Cody a Cross Rhodes of his own (the DISRESPECT) and Cody kicks out. Cody decides turnabout is fair play and goes for the Coffin Drop. This is getting ridiculous. Darby kicks out again and wants to show Cody how it’s done. Darby comes off the top rope with his Coffin Drop and nails it, but Cody turns it into a pin somehow. I’m not sure but I think both guys may have been pinned there. All knees must bow to Cody! I gave you the Reader’s Digest version of this match because it was half an hour long and had multiple commercial breaks.
MJF Shows Up Again!
My man! Six weeks of absence and now he’s here for two weeks in a row! Yet another pre-taped promo, but that’s all we can get since he is currently stuck in New York. He gives us an update on his hangnail. Good news everyone! MJF’s hangnail has not only healed, but it’s over-healed! What a great man! BUT WAIT! He’s wearing a neck brace. What’s happened?! Apparently, he cut himself shaving, and now he’ll be on the injured list for a bit longer. MJF assures us that he’ll be back soon. What a courageous man he is! Great promo! He’ll continue to get his own segment on this review as long as he keeps showing up.
Match #2: Musa vs. Wardlow
MJF may not be in the arena this week, but his man Wardlow is, and he’s not done causing mayhem yet. I don’t know who this prick is, but charging Wardlow in the very beginning isn’t the best idea. Wardlow overpowers this kid and wins this match with an airplane spin. MJF will be so proud of him!
Match #3: Jimmy Havok & Kip Sabian vs. The Ambiguously Gay Duo (w. Pockets)
Oh lawd. It’s Pockets vs. Havok Part 2! Only this time, they’ve added more people I don’t care about! Just when I thought last week’s match couldn’t get any worse, they’ve found a way! It’s important to note this match has no disqualifications. It doesn’t take too long before the match goes to the outside of course. Havok takes a chair and instead of hitting one of the legal participants, he throws the chair at Pockets and hits him square in the face with it! I don’t like this circus clown but hitting Pockets with a chair in the face will always get you points with me. This match is pure chaos. There’s no storytelling to be found anywhere, so I can’t get into it. These guys do everything they possibly can to each other that requires a ladder or chair, and still, nobody can get the win. Until Pockets shows up! He gets on the top rope, then gets shit canned to the floor by Havok. Chuck Taylor gets the win with his finisher onto a pile of chairs. Schiavone compares Pockets to Bobby Heenan. I’ll pretend like I didn’t hear that so I can finish this thing.
Match #4: Shawn Spears vs. Baron Black
I’m calling it now, Spears is gonna lose. He always loses. How anybody can take him as a credible threat by now is beyond me. His opponent tries to fire up, but Spears gives him a spinebuster. He seems perturbed about something, I guess I can’t blame him after years and years of being nothing but a loser. Jericho has a way of making even the worst matches fun to watch thanks to his commentary. Maybe he should think about becoming an announcer full-time for AEW when he retires. Shawn Spears wins this match with a Sharpshooter. Whatever!
Match #5: Brodie Lee vs. Stunted Growth
This midget doesn’t stand a chance. If this match lasts longer than 30 seconds it’ll kill Brodie Lee. Jericho tries to put him over on commentary. Sorry Chris, even you can’t get me behind this little prick. Stunted Growth tries his best, but Brodie makes a pincushion out of him. Sit down powerbomb for the win. I still say this match took too long.
Match #6: Lance Archer vs. Dustin Rhodes
The winner of this match goes on to face Cody in TNT Championship tournament! If Dustin wins, he’ll have to fight his brother again, but if Archer wins, Cody’s screwed. Nobody’s even mounted any offense against this guy yet, not to mention he’s big enough to break Cody in half with ease. Dustin is in pretty good shape for a guy north of 50, but there’s no way he can stand up against Lance Archer’s power. Don’t forget, Brandi is out there once again, so I’m sure she’ll find a way to get involved somehow so she can get some face time. Archer goes outside the ring and Brandi flees up the ring ramp. Archer intimidates her and now Dustin is bleeding. I’m not sure how that happened, but it adds a lot to this match!
We come back from commercial and Dustin’s bleeding all over the place. I can hear Jim Ross yelling about it from here. I wish he was around for this thing! With every heartbeat, Dustin’s losing blood. And with his advanced age, he can’t have much left in the tank by this point. All Archer has to do is outlast him, it’s only a matter of time. Archer’s enjoying this now, smiling while he claws at Dustin’s face. Dustin gets his second wind and goes for the Shattered Dream and NAILS IT! This thing should be over now, but it’s still not enough to put Archer down. I’ve seen that move drop a ton of people over the years, but it seemingly had no effect on Archer. He doesn’t even seem mad about Dustin going below the belt! Another commercial and we come back to see Dustin going toe to toe with Lance. It’s easy to forget, but Dustin is a legit 6’6. He’s looking Archer right in the eye and they’re trading bombs. Dustin goes for the corner-mounted ten punch. Bad move Dustin! Archer powers out like it was nothing and Dustin has no choice: He has to use the Cross Rhodes. But Archer kicks out at one! If that were Cody doing that, this match would be all over.
Archer walks across the ropes Undertaker-style, then does a moonsault! For a man of that size, that’s super impressive. Dustin almost gets the pin on Archer with a crucifix and now Archer’s REALLY pissed. He rips the turnbuckle cover off with ease and now he’s using it as a weapon. Shouldn’t this be a disqualification? QT Marshall shows up at ringside and tries to throw in the towel for Dustin, but Cody shows up and stops him! Why? That’s your brother in there, man! Archer wins this match with the Von Erich Claw. He’ll face Cody at Double or Nothing!
My Final Thoughts on AEW (4/29/2020)
Yet another one-match show! Cody and Darby Allin went twice as long as the last match and made far less sense. Dustin and Archer was the match of the night and it wasn’t close. I just hope they don’t plan on making Stunted Growth some kind of giant killer. Nobody wants to see that. He really shouldn’t be on the roster, to begin with, but the Young Bucks have proven if you’re friends with them they’ll hire you here. Anyway, a great match from Dustin and Archer. He’s gonna kill Cody next week! Who knows, Dustin may kill him first! Why did Cody stop QT from throwing in the towel for Dustin? Maybe he was afraid to face Dustin in the tournament. We’ll see what happens next week!