Before I get started with tonight’s AEW Dynamite results and review for 5/13/20, just in case none of you guys have been following me since I returned from my self-imposed exile, I didn’t watch any segment from last week’s AEW, save for my close personal friend MJF’s promo! No matter how I’m feeling at the time, he always cheers me up! Having said that, I have no clue what to expect for tonight’s show. What’s next for Jericho and the Inner Circle? They haven’t had anybody to go to bat for them! If for some reason you haven’t read anything I’ve written yet, these are all my thoughts and opinions and I won’t be swayed unless something different happens on screen, but if you want to send me hate mail, just send it to our editor-in-chief and he’ll put it right where it belongs. Let’s see what they do next!
The show opens with Lance Archer beating the shit out of some poor guy. Don’t know who he is, don’t care. Jake The Snake Roberts is here too and he’s being forced to apologize for rubbing his snake all over an unconscious Brandi. That sounds naughty, but I assure you, it was an actual snake. Jake says as soon as Brandi kisses his ass, he’ll be happy to apologize. Fantastic! Cody shows up in a big black crew cab. He’s dressed to FIGHT in a suit vest with his fists heavily taped. Archer better back down, nobody stands a chance against Cody when he’s hulking up like this. Cody throws a chair at Lance’s head and it doesn’t do anything. Neither man can get the upper hand, which makes perfect sense. All knees will bow to Cody unless you’re MJF, who immediately joined Witness Protection after he beat Cody a few months ago. Very clever!
Match #1: Jurassic Express vs. Best Friends (w. Pockets)
Before this match even starts, can we please get rid of the midget and Pockets? Neither of these two guys need to be here. On the bright side, Jungle Boy should look very good against these two miscreants (and TRENT). He’s got, potential baby! As does Luchasaurus. Sometimes I forget just how big that guy is. Freaky agile for a big man too. They just don’t need the other guy. TRENT is trying his best to stand up to Luchasaurus, but nothing he does has any effect in the early going. I admire your heart TRENT, but don’t forget Pockets is your best backup in this scenario. Don’t do anything stupid. Jungle Boy and TRENT each go to the top rope, and TRENT’s partner gets the bright idea to hold him on his shoulders while nobody’s there to stop Jungle Boy. You know where this is going, an impromptu Doomsday Device to TRENT thanks to his own partner! What an idiot! He’s handing them the match at this point! TRENT deserves better than to be teamed up with this dickwad.
We come back from commercial to see TRENT taking all the heat. Believe it or not, this may be the best tactic for them to win. TRENT’s the best guy on their team by far. And now, for something completely different. Pockets is on the outside trying to hype his team up when some dude in a luchador mask flies in from nowhere and kicks him right in the face! I laughed out loud! Keep the change clown! MJF comes in from the crowd to blindside Jungle Boy, which leads to the finish in the ring. TRENT and his people win this one. This was actually a very entertaining finish. After the match ends, the big guy Wardlow shows up and destroys Stunted Growth! I loved this finish and the post-match segment!
Match #2: Penelope Ford vs. Kris Statlander vs. Dr. Britt Baker vs. Hikaru Shida
The competitors for this match are as follows: A girl who can do the splits, a space alien, and Dr. Britt Baker. I used to be a part of an AEW fan group, and it mostly consisted of pictures of the other girl in her underwear. One of the admins there had some strange fixation that I can’t explain. I left that group after they said Pockets was better than MJF. I don’t want to live in that world. Anyway, this match is a lot of moves and very little storytelling, much like any other four-way match, you’ll see these days. I won’t bother trying to keep up with it all here, I don’t have all night. At one point, Kip Sabian comes up to help his girl by holding her opponent. He’s apparently not capable of holding a small woman, so whatever they plan doesn’t work. Shida goes for the rollup on Penelope, but she gets two. That should have been the finish, but Shida wins with a knee in the face instead. Penelope needs to dump this guy, he’s useless! You had one job dude!
Match #3: Ortiz & Santana vs. Kenny Omega & Matt Hardy
Before Matt Hardy shows up, Ortiz & Santana get the jump on Omega during his entrance! That’s what you get for making faces when there’s nobody there Kenny. Matt is a little slow on the draw, but he’s here nonetheless. I guess he’s not doing promos from his garage anymore. These two may be my most hated team of the year. When Matt’s just being himself, he’s one of the best guys on this show, but with this gimmick, I’ve completely lost the plot. And Omega is a pretentious douche, so he’ll get no love from me. If he does something that impresses me, I’ll say something nice about it, I promise. Matt Hardy tags in and his lip is bleeding. He and Kenny have some weird chemistry, I must admit. I liked his team with Bray Wyatt better, but it would take Kenny 100 lifetimes to equal the charisma Bray has in his little finger. I wish he was here right now! Speaking of people who know better than to be anywhere near this, Chris Jericho is nowhere to be found! Come on Chris, I need some inspiration for my Halloween costume.
We come back from another commercial to find Santana & Ortiz doing a sweet two-man submission on Omega! He’s much too powerful for that. I’m surprised he’s hung in there for this long. Santana & Ortiz are an established tag team, and last time I watched Kenny it took him two running knee lifts to beat some jerkoff nobody ever saw again. At one point, Kenny has Ortiz on the ropes, and he stops to dance. I wish I were kidding. That’s it, Kenny. I tried to say some nice things and you ruined it. Even though Matt has gone off the deep end, I know he can outwrestle every single person in this match in his sleep. Towards the end of this thing, there’s way too much obvious cooperation for me to be into this match anymore. Guys are just standing around waiting for things to happen and that kills it for me. Matt Hardy goes for the Ice Pick submission! Wow, haven’t seen that one in a long time. Sammy G comes down to the ring with a steel chair wearing a neck brace for some reason. Matt lays him out with a Twist of Fate. I thought Matt might take some pity on Sammy after what Randy Orton did to him, but it was not to be. Matt wins with the Twist of Fate off the second rope on Ortiz. Kenny’s doing the DELETE thing. Oh god, somebody put a stop to that before it gets out of control.
Match #4: MJF (w. Wardlow) vs. Lee Johnson
My close personal friend! He’s back in the ring again! I’m getting emotional watching this. A lot of people like to talk about MJF’s promo, but he’s really good in the ring too! I won’t say he’s the best, but he’s only 24 and he has the instincts of a much more experienced pro wrestler. He’ll be a champion very soon, I can feel it in my heart. I knew from when I first saw this boy he’d be very special. Lee Johnson tries to get smart with MJF, who turns up the heat and beats this dude down. He has a real mean streak too! You wouldn’t know it by looking at him, but he can be dangerous when the situation arises. He wins this match via submission with a Fujiwara armbar. MJF stays in the ring for a promo and calls out Jungle Boy. He says he’s signed himself up for a match with Stunted Growth! I can’t wait to see what he does to that punk. I’m all for more MJF on this program. Good to see him again. I got so excited when he came out! It’s been so long. I missed you MJF! Please don’t leave me again. This show needs you.
Match #5: Chris Jericho vs. Pineapple Pete
It’s finally come to this. We’ve waited weeks for this explosion. Weeks ago, Pineapple Pete looked at Jericho sideways and now we’re here. I could have sworn Pineapple Pete was just a joke Jericho came up with, but they’re actually running with it. Pineapple Pete has his own shirt now! Pineapple is looking really good in the beginning, but Jericho nails him with the back elbow for the win. He calls it the Judas Effect. That’s a badass name, and that’s a badass spiked leather jacket Jericho has. I want that thing! He even has his own Inner Circle brand baseball bat! Jericho challenges the Elite to a Stadium Stampede match. What even is that? It’s essentially a street fight in the middle of a football stadium. You son of a bitch, I’m in. And now this segment goes straight to the crapper. Matt Hardy drone shows up and Jericho has to yell at it for a few minutes. They accept the challenge and IT’S ON! Jericho wrecks the drone with the bat. YES! Matt Hardy shows up, presumably to give a heart-wrenching soliloquy about his feelings for the drone. How ridiculous. Don’t go messing with the champ Matt!
Match #6: Christopher Daniels vs. Brodie Lee
This shouldn’t take long! I actually haven’t seen Chris Daniels in the ring at all for AEW until now, and Brodie Lee has been smashing people left and right. He’s also apparently repossessed Moxley’s AEW title, which is probably the closest he’ll ever come to actually winning it. Brodie is trying to put Daniels away, but the ref keeps getting in his face. Not too smart on that guy’s part. Leave it to Aubrey, she knows what she’s doing. Brodie nails a superkick, but only gets two. This is going way too long! Daniels should be dead by now. One of the Dark Order guys tries to interfere, but the SCU guys take care of that. The ref gets distracted, and Brodie tries to use a steel chair. It doesn’t work, and Daniels nails his finish. Brodie kicks out at one. That’s already feeling overused. Drew McIntyre does it every week. Daniels comes off the top rope but comes up empty and then Brodie beats him with a discus clothesline. Brodie is celebrating with the title he didn’t win when Moxley shows up and beats up all the Dark Order underlings.
My Final Thoughts on AEW (5/13/2020)
This show had a really good pace and atmosphere throughout. Even the Omega match wasn’t offensive to me, aside from the usual faces and gestures, but he had Matt Hardy there to help him out. I think it’s hilarious they’re staying with the Pineapple Pete thing. And most importantly, my close personal friend MJF is finally back in the ring after being gone for eight weeks by my count. He just elevates the entire show. I enjoy his stuff more than anyone else’s on this show, including Jericho at this point. He’ll be on next week against Stunted Growth, and I’ll be there to call everything that happens! See you next week!