This show opens with Brodie Lee out for another promo. All the guys in the crowd are interrupting him and he lost his train of thought as soon as he started. He tried to get back on track, but this promo was really bad. The central idea of this promo is, he’s sent one of his men (known only as 10) to take care of Jon Moxley. He even took the time to knight him, which is about as silly as it sounds. That’s it, Humberto Carrillo can’t be the Kiss of Death anymore. This gimmick is now the Kiss of Death!
Match #1: Jon Moxley vs. 10
Why would Moxley ever have a chance to lose to some jackoff in a mask who doesn’t even have a name? This match should take about ten seconds to be over with. Moxley has two chances to get the pin, but he’s too busy trying to look like a badass and talk for the camera. He gets the win with his finish. This match was stupid and unnecessary. Nobody in their right mind would ever believe any of these goons can beat the champ. They have no definition, no identity, and no distinguishing characteristics. They’re like Darth Vader’s Stormtroopers, and even they couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. This is ridiculous.
After the match, Moxley wants his title back. Brodie Lee declines and says he’s leaving the arena. If Brodie Lee is supposed to be so dangerous, why wouldn’t he just go out and beat the shit out of Moxley right then? Are we as viewers supposed to find this guy intimidating? Also, his cheap suit with that beard looks silly too. They’ve totally dropped the ball presenting this guy. He’s always been a follower and never been a top guy for a reason. This show has started off on the wrong foot, but I still have reason to be excited! My close personal friend MJF will be up against Stunted Growth later!
Match #2: MJF vs. Stunted Growth
Here he is right now! I’m about to get emotional again! Normally, I’d be mad about my boy being in the second match, especially after that abortion we’ve just seen, but he can only get so far when he’s against this little prick. Wardlow is here too, but that’s just overkill. MJF is not the biggest guy in the world, but he won’t need any help with this. Come on Maxwell, knock some sense into this punk. I couldn’t help but notice Stunted Growth’s win/loss record is 5-6, which is exactly why they shouldn’t do win/loss records, to begin with. You mean to tell me this prick has won multiple matches when MJF, an actual star, had to sit out for eight weeks and still stole the show only with pre-recorded promos? It makes me want to puke. But if anybody in the world can get a decent match out of this guy, MJF can do it.
MJF starts this thing with a bearhug, which is so weird to see since he’s about 5’11. MJF’s not just out to win this thing, he’s out to embarrass Stunted Growth while he’s at it. He’ll get nothing but support from me. Stunted Growth smacks MJF, which isn’t the smartest idea, and now MJF’s turning up the heat. He goes for a superplex, but not before doing a promo from the top rope on Schiavone. This kid just never stops. Basically the idea is MJF can’t get a hand on the little guy. He’s hurting himself more than Stunted Growth is, which I guess is ok. Collect your wits, Maxwell, don’t let this midget catch you napping. MJF has had enough now! First the shoulder breaker, then the Fujiwara armbar for the tap out victory. That’s what happens you little punk! Don’t you ever try that again! Back to the sideshow with you! MJF grabs a microphone to add some insult to injury. Wardlow holds him while MJF bops him with the ring. Way to earn a paycheck big guy. A watchable match with Stunted Growth in it! MJF should take a bow after that one. He must be some kind of sorcerer. I just love that boy, he’s so good!
Jake Roberts vs. Double A: Face to Face!
Both of the representatives for Cody and Lance Archer are finally confronting each other! This should be damn good. Jake Roberts has always been a good promo and Double-A hasn’t taken anyone’s shit for decades. Jake gets to talk first. He says it’s curious he and Double-A never met in the ring, and then he does a decent job putting his man over. Jake is getting better at this manager thing! He says Archer’s going to rip Cody’s heart out and eat it.
Double-A gets his turn now and he says he has goosebumps. Double-A is credible, but Jake is a scumbag and he can see it from here. Jake says he’s already seen what hell is like, so going at it with Double-A right now would be a picnic. Double-A says normally he would, but he’s trying to be respectful here. He also confirms that former heavyweight champion of the world, Iron Mike Tyson, will be there to hand off the new TNT title to either Cody or Archer. Jake claims Archer can knock out Tyson if he wanted to. I don’t know about that Jake. See, this is why people have trouble believing you. Nobody in AEW can beat Mike Tyson. Double-A tells Jake he wants him to be ready at Double or Nothing when he gives him a spinebuster. Arn can’t touch Jake at promos, but he can damn sure beat Jake up if he wanted to. Still can’t take Tyson.
Match #3: Pockets vs. Ray Fenix
Pockets is flying solo! He sent his guys to the backstage area. Fenix tries to knock his block off on the ramp again, but he just misses. It goes without saying if you’ve followed me for a while, but anybody who cooperates with Pockets in the ring loses my respect. Just put this sideshow clown down with extreme prejudice and get it over with! Lots of running back and forth, repeated pin attempts. We’ve all seen this before. At least Pac doesn’t have to try to make this idiot look good this time. This match actually goes to a commercial break! All right, but the longer this thing goes the more pissed off I’m gonna get. Even when Pockets tries to wrestle, he’s still the least intimidating person I’ve ever seen, save for Stunted Growth. He’s got to be 145 pounds soaking wet. Anyway, if Fenix can’t beat him in two minutes, it makes Pac look like an idiot for hanging out with him.
More moves and kickouts. Come on people, this isn’t Starrcade 1986. All this isn’t necessary. Just get to the end. Just when I’m convinced this can’t get any worse, Kip Sabian shows up wearing some Elton John specials and makes the distraction. Fenix has to hit Pockets in the balls to win. SCU dumps Sabian off the ladder head first. Maybe don’t climb up a ladder for no reason, genius. We get a big brawl after this match and the whole thing makes no sense. Pockets and Kip Sabian are getting more screen time than MJF and I’m disgusted.
Match #4: Kris Statlander & Hikaru Shida vs. Dr. Britt Baker & Nyla Rose
Man, I thought we were gonna get Shida vs. the space alien and you can imagine how I felt, but when Britt Baker and Nyla Rose got here I got excited. Something good can come out of this. Britt’s still trying to make it as a heel, and Nyla Rose gets another chance to look dominant. I’m all for it. Before the bell rings, Britt gets laid out and the babyfaces try to double team Nyla Rose. Yeah right, you guys are gonna need more people. Speaking of people who don’t belong in the ring with the champ, what happened to Riho? Hopefully, she got caught in a time warp and won’t be back for a while. The space alien is looking good in the beginning, but it doesn’t last long. Nyla has so much size and strength that her opponents can’t hope to outlast her.
Shida tags in and she’s taking both Britt Baker and Nyla Rose at the same time. Enough of this shit, everybody knows Nyla can break her in half. Shida and the space alien team up to use Nyla as a projectile on Britt Baker. This is ridiculous, she’s easily twice the size of all of her opponents and should have no trouble winning this preliminary match on free TV. I know they have to fill two hours, but Nyla shouldn’t even get knocked down by these much smaller women. She wins this match with the sit down powerbomb on Shida, but she’s not done yet. Nyla grabs a table from under the ring and climbs the ropes. She’s looking to put an end to Shida right here, right now. The space alien shows up to make the save and Shida suplexes Nyla through the table. You already know where I stand on this. Moxley gives a promo backstage on Brodie Lee and he sounds drunk. Whatever man.
The Daily Show….with Shawn Spears?!
And now, for something completely different. Now we have total loser Shawn Spears wearing a suit trying to do his own news parody. He tells us Dustin Rhodes has retired, which hasn’t been confirmed, then he makes some personal comments toward Dustin which even I found to be in poor taste. Spears is mad that he doesn’t have a match for Double or Nothing, which isn’t a surprise since he can’t buy a win these days, so he challenges Dustin. Good thing they already had all the promotion for this match ready in the production truck! Was this segment supposed to be funny? If anything it makes Spears look pathetic. He’s willing to go this far just to get a match? He hired his own camera crew, rented a suit, and staged a comedy skit just so the higher-ups would pay attention to him? What a winner that guy is.
Main Event: Sammy Guevara vs. Matt Hardy
Good to see Sammy G again! This kid has a ton of promise. But if Matt Hardy doesn’t stop this nonsense, poor Sammy may end up suffering for it. Most of this show has been hard to watch, but I have high expectations for these two. They can save this show if Matt’s willing to be serious for a minute. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate, but Guevara blocks it and pops right back up. That was a cool counter! This kid is a great athlete. I like his attitude too. Guys like him, Jungle Boy, and MJF give me hope for the future of AEW. Speaking of the future, what the hell happened to Hangman?
Matt does the Twist of Fate again, and Guevara ends up rolling out of the ring. I don’t think he did it on purpose, but nonetheless, this match continues. Guevara comes back with a bunch of kicks but he can’t get the win. There’s still eight minutes of show time left. Sammy goes for the shooting star press, but he misses and Matt does the Twist of Fate AGAIN for a two count. Matt takes off Sammy’s boot, then bites his foot. I’m about to get sick. As someone who’s repulsed by feet, this was tough for me to watch. For the second time in the last couple weeks, Sammy’s gonna have to wrestle this match with one shoe on. Sammy goes for the shooting star again, but Matt moves and gives him the Twist of Fate for the win.
Exactly the same thing we just saw less than two minutes ago. Matt grabs a chair and he’s ready to finish Sammy G off, but Chris Jericho and his good friends the Inner Circle show up on the big screen. They’re about to put Omega down in the football stadium, but the Young Bucks show up to make the save! Just when I thought this show couldn’t get any worse! BUT WAIT! Somebody comes running down the field at full speed! It’s HANGMAN PAGE, who’s been gone since this quarantine started! That’s so weird, I was just asking where he went! Jericho and his men make a strategic retreat.
My Final Thoughts on AEW (5/20/2020)
This show was very hard to watch, except for the MJF match. Everything was too long, the Pockets match was way too competitive, and Nyla Rose should have won with far less trouble. On the bright side, we got a fired up promo from Pac, who is still in the UK, and Hangman Page came back to make the assist for Omega in the end. I guess this Saturday will be Double or Nothing, and I’ll be here to cover it, but my expectations are low. The main event will be Chris Jericho and the Inner Circle vs. Kenny and the Circle Jerks! I’m sure that’ll be riveting. At least I’ll get to see Tyson again! I hope he puts Pockets in the ICU. Join me again this coming Saturday for Double or Nothing!