Hello everybody, and welcome to another Coronavirus PANIC edition of my RAW review! I don’t even know what’s on the show tonight, I don’t think anybody does! But they are building to Wrestlemania on this show, so I’m still worked up about it! Let’s get on with it!
The show opens with a promo by the Undertaker! No frills, no gimmicks this time. Undertaker is all business. He calls out AJ Styles by his real name. I won’t use that here since I didn’t use Undertaker’s either. Specifically, he claims AJ is jealous that Undertaker’s wife used the same move he did (under a different name of course) and that SHE got it over. I don’t know about any of that, but he does have a point about Styles letting himself waste away in TNA while Stone Cold and The Rock were killing it over here. If Styles is so good, how come he didn’t come to WWE when they were around? He waited until they were gone, so he can’t be that good. Undertaker accepts AJ’s challenge from last week. I got news for you Styles: When Wrestlemania comes around, it won’t be a wrestling match, it’ll be snuff film. Undy’s gonna ride down on his motorcycle and destroy you, and you can take that to the bank!
Becky Lynch shows up next in her Stone Cold rip-off truck and kicks us to the replay of the match with Ronda Rousey and Charlotte where she won the title. I’ve never seen this match, and I have no interest in seeing it. But I do have a huge crush on Joan Jett, so I watched her performance. She’s still super attractive!
Becky is still here for a promo. She yaps about something, and Shayna gets her from behind with a chokehold! Turnabout is fair play after last week, Becky! That’s what you get for messing with someone who’s way tougher than you’ll ever be. On to our first live match of the night!
Match #1: Aleister Black vs. Jason Cade
This match shouldn’t last very long! Aleister does his sit down and don’t care thing, then wins with the Kick of Death. Game over! Aleister Black is fighting Bobby Lashley at Wrestlemania next week. WHY?!
Match #2: Street Prophets & Kevin Owens vs. Angel Garza, Seth Rollins, & Austin Theory
Oh, look, another six-man match. Street Prophets are out first. Don’t worry everybody, I have a certain investigative journalist doing everything possible to find out what’s in that cup. Angel Garza is next, which means it’s time for another Zelina Vega Outfit Watch! She looks fantastic as usual. This week’s outfit is pretty daring, but she has the body to pull it off. She tells us Andrade is hurt, which is now the second time this has happened since he became the US champion. This guy must be snake bit. She introduces us to his replacement, Austin Theory. I have no clue who that is! He looks to be in decent shape at least, but if he can’t win this match, nobody will care. Kevin Owens promptly wins with the stunner on Angel Garza, and Rollins gets the jump on him after the match ends. That’s what happens when you mess with the champ!
We rejoin Kevin in the ring for a promo. He’s only just recovered from Rollins blindsiding him, and he wants to talk about years ago when Rollins was in NXT. Does anybody really care about this? It was years ago. Move on, dude. He brings up that he was Universal Champion before Seth Rollins. Does that title run really count if Jericho helped him the whole time? Jericho was way more popular too. Some things never change. By the way, you guys should all become card-carrying members of the Inner Circle. I did it a few months ago and I feel great! Join now and get a free shirt!
Up next is Edge with another great promo! Lots of peoples’ real names getting thrown around on this episode! These guys won’t stop talking about grit and it’s a little weird. Edge says Randy Orton’s just been coasting on being better than most. I don’t know about that man, Edge just sounds mad jelly that Triple H didn’t handpick him out of a crowd. Like he wouldn’t take that opportunity? That’s rich coming from the ultimate opportunist over there! Edge says Randy only gives a shit when Edge is around because he makes Randy better. He may have a point there, but I’m sticking taking Randy over Edge at Wrestlemania. Edge hasn’t been in this for a while and Randy’s been killing it for a few years. Edge stills looks really cool though.
Match #3: Asuka vs. Kayden Carter
Don’t know who this other girl is, but Asuka gives her the Butt Slam pretty quick. Asuka wins with a roundhouse kick followed by the crossface chickenwing. I guess her new gimmick is screaming stuff in Japanese. I have no opinion on this, I don’t speak the language. Next is a replay of the match between Rey Mysterio and Brock Lesnar from Survivor Series last November. We all know how this one goes!
Main Event: Brock Lesnar Shows Up!
Here it is everybody, Brock Lesnar is here to promote his upcoming ass kicking of Drew McIntyre at Wrestlemania. Paul Heyman says some stuff, the basic idea being that Drew may be special compared to some jackoff in a gym somewhere, but compared to Brock he’s nothing. Brock’s beaten much bigger names than Drew and this next fight should be very easy. Drew better watch his back next week. Brock Lesnar comes in to defend the title, Brock Lesnar keeps the title, Brock Lesnar stays champion. Sunrise, sunset. Game over.
My Final Thoughts on RAW (3/30/2020)
The promos in this show were the highlight of the show. Undertaker’s was the best part of the show. Why can’t they promo like this all the time? It’s a shame there’s no audience right now, but they’d probably find a way to ruin all those segments. Zelina Vega looked great too, even if she’s stuck in a bunch of nonsense. She deserves a lot better. Wrestlemania is next week, who do you guys have to win? LEAVE SOME COMMENTS. Sick of talking to myself over here! See you next week!