I’ve been lucky in early fatherhood because I’ve gotten to spend a lot of quality time with my daughter. It has forced me to ask myself life’s most important questions. For example, if I held an Enter the Dragon style tournament, which Disney Princess would come out on top? The question has caused much debate. So, allow me to use my newly acquired children’s movie knowledge to power rank which Disney Princess would win in a fight.
Firstly, let’s set some parameters. Disney defines Disney Princess as 12 specific characters (Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Mulan, Tiana, Rapunzel, Merida, and Moana). However, I’m going to expand the field to all major Disney theatrical animated movies. Honorable mention to television stars Elena of Avalor and Star Butterfly. Both have the power to top this list, but neither has had a theatrical movie release. I would hold the tournament out of reach of any gaming commission, so Mortal Kombat rules. Tales of the tape are estimated by detailed oriented internet weirdos.
10) Nala (3’5”, 3 years old)
I’m going to cheat right off the bat, but hear me out. I’m going multi-species because the ability to beat a full-grown lion is now the bar for this list. However, Nala isn’t your average lion. I believe she’s the best fighter in her pride because she pinned Simba 100% of the time. She probably would have had an easier time beating Scar if it weren’t for antiquated gender roles. She also “laughs in the face of danger”…
9) Anna (5’3”, 19 years old)
Anna is tougher than she appears at first glance. She beat off a pack of wolves with a lute and makeshift firebomb. Anna also displayed a solid right hand when she hit Hans of the Southern Isles in the schnoz, sending him into the bay. She can also take a beating because she even survived being frozen solid.
8) Cinderella (5’6”, 16 years old)
Every sporting tournament has a person or team that comes out of nowhere and exceeds expectations. A “Cinderella story” if you will. Cinderella is on this list because she is literally a “Cinderella story”. If there is any Princess that will exceed expectations in my death tournament, it’s Cinderella. Maybe an overconfident higher seed puts their guard down and takes one to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo?
7) Pocahontas (5’7”, 18 years old)
Pocahontas most likely developed many survival skills in 1608 Virginia. Powhatan women were known for being strong because of the rigorous daily tasks they had to perform. Pocahontas is clearly an athlete because of her canoeing and diving skills. She might have a reach advantage because she is often portrayed as one of the taller Disney Princesses.
6) Tiana (5’6”, 19 years old)
Tiana is the hardest working woman in a group that includes Cinderella. Which says a lot. Tiana is dangerous because of her go-getter attitude. For example, she bested alligators and gun-toting Cajuns. This was done with the handicap of being a frog. Tiana is good with a knife due to her culinary skills. I also wouldn’t be surprised if she blinded her opponents with a shot of Tabasco.
5) Elsa (5’7”, 21 years old)
Elsa should top this list, but unfortunately has no control over her immense power. She could turn her opponents into popsicles. However, it’s equally possible that Elsa’s attacks hurt herself or someone she loves. Her powers need to be respected, but she could use some time at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. Hopefully, they’ll do a crossover. 😉
4) Moana (5′4″, 16 years old)
The ocean choose this little way-finder because she is very capable. Moana of Motunui showed demigod levels of intelligence, strength and acrobatics. For example, she pushed over a 5-ton statue, conquered murderous coconut pirates and survived the realm of monsters. Also, her Aquaman like relationship with the ocean makes her a danger whenever there’s more than a cup of saltwater nearby. Seriously, “have you defeated a lava monster”?
3) Rapunzel (5’4”, 18 years old)
Rapunzel is deadly with a frying pan. She also effortlessly wields over 60 pounds of her hair like a whip. Her hair helps her perform acrobatics and incapacitate opponents. However, her hair’s most useful attribute is its Wolverine-like healing power. Rapunzel has the best “chin” in the tournament because of this healing power.
2) Fa Mulan (5’3”, 16 years old)
Fa Mulan is a character defined by her strength and Bravery. However, her most dangerous trait is her intelligence. For example, Mulan opted for a strategic rocket blast instead of an easy kill. This caused an avalanche, killing around 1,995 Huns as a result. Combine Mulan’s intelligence with her military training and she would do well in my “which Disney Princess would win in a fight” tournament.
1) Merida (5’5”, 16 years old)
Many Disney Princesses have learned combat skills, but Merida of DunBroch is the only Princess that does it for fun. She started developing her combat skills very early because of her bear fighting father’s influence. She is skilled with the sword and spear. However, it’s Merida’s archery skills that make her a tailor-made Hunger games candidate. For example, she hit three bullseyes in a row, while on the move, splitting her competitor’s arrow, with a 10th-century composite bow. I believe she would win the Princess fight.
So, do you agree with my logic or have I just been watching too much children’s television? What do you think? Which Disney Princess would win in a fight? Let me know in the comments.