An Overly Opinionated AEW Double or Nothing Review

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Hello everybody, and welcome to my Overly Opinionated AEW Double or Nothing Review. I haven’t had a chance to do many of these, since they haven’t done many of these since I joined the website. I guess I should go over the setlist for the night. The promotion of this show has been lacking, but I can confirm there will be a multiple person ladder match. I don’t know what the reward is, but I’m getting some serious Money in the Bank vibes with that one. Jon Moxley will defend his world title against Brodie Lee, if you’re into that sort of thing. There are two main reasons I’m watching the show tonight: My close personal friend MJF and Jungle Boy are going to steal the show, and Mike Tyson is gonna show up! I hope he puts Pockets in the ICU. Let’s see what AEW has got this time!

Match #1: Casino Ladder Match

This match essentially has the same rules as a Money in the Bank match. The only difference is the match starts with two guys and the others will enter at two minute intervals. There’s a mystery opponent in this match, and I have no clue who it is. Anyway, this match starts with Kazarian and Scorpio Sky. They’re normally partners, but now they’re opponents. Why don’t they just work together to get the prize at the top of the ladder? To hell with all that pride stuff, this is for a title match later! Cody knows all about this, I once saw Sandow shove him off the ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match.

Kip Sabian enters the ring next. He’s got Jimmy Havok helping him out, but there’s no disqualification, so the ref can’t do shit about it. Don’t forget, Kazarian and Scorpio Sky could have just worked together to win this match within the first 20 seconds. Obviously, this match won’t end until every man gets a chance to participate. As a fan, we all know this going in. But starting the match with an established tag team ruins it immediately. They always work together, but now they’re not?

 Darby Allin shows up next. In his art film last Wednesday, he sent a message to all the participants in this match. At least I think so, the boy doesn’t talk. Darby grabs his skateboard and climbs to the top of the ladder. He goes to crush his opponent, but the guy moves and Darby lands squarely on his knee. This kid may be out. I know he’s tough (or possibly just incredibly stupid), but he may not have what it takes to continue.

Next up is Pockets. I didn’t know he was in this thing. His plan is to take the entire two-minute time frame to walk to the ring. Can somebody please tell me what this idiot is doing in this match? This match is supposed to be for a future title shot and he’s making a joke out of it. He can’t figure out how to set up the ladder. What a waste of a roster spot. It’s important to note that Fenix (the guy who knocked Pockets’s block off a couple weeks ago) has been removed from this match due to injury.

 Just when I thought this couldn’t get worse, here comes Colt Cabana. He doesn’t waste any time climbing the ladder, which I can get behind. SCU finally decides to team up, even though they’ve been there since the beginning. Pockets shows up and play kicks them both. Will somebody please just break this guy’s neck? I’ve had enough of this.

Oh god, Janella’s here now. This whole match has devolved into a bunch of nonsense. They haven’t revealed the entire field yet, but hopefully this mystery guy is worth the wait. So far, this match has gotten worse with time. Sabian’s trying to climb the ladder, but it looks like he’s having some trouble. Why don’t you just have your girl climb for you Kip? She’s taller than you, she’d have an easier time reaching the prize.

Next up is Luchasaurus! Now this I’m actually excited for. With a bunch of jackoffs in the ring, Luchasaurus has a chance to look much cooler than everyone else. He powerbombs one dude to the outside of the ring, then chokeslams Kazarian onto a ladder in the ring. That was bad ass, but now he’s going for Darby Allin. I know Darby has a a lot of heart, but that knee is wrecked.

The last participant of this match is here: it’s Brian Cage! Cage is all of 6’4 and at least 275 pounds. Now that I know he’s here, he’s my man to win this thing. Not only is Cage here, but he has some kind of relationship with Tazz. Kazarian and Scorpio suddenly want to climb the ladder and win, which they could have done with ease 20 minutes ago. Cage climbs the ladder, but Pockets climbs up on his back, much like Yoda from Star Wars. Cage’s muscles are too huge to be able to get a hold of Pockets! NO CAGE! DON’T climb any further!
All the smaller men team up to bury Cage under a pile of rubble. It’s only a matter of time before Cage returns. Stunted Growth makes a cameo in this thing. I hope Cage gets a hold of him! Luchasaurus is the only man left in the ring, and now Cage is back up on his feet and he’s not even hurt! Darby is the last man standing. Cage puts Darby on top of a ladder and gorilla dunks both Darby and the ladder to the outside. That’s it for him! Cage climbs to the top and wins this match with relative ease. I like this guy! 

Match #2: MJF (w. Wardlow) vs. Jungle Boy

No question in my mind, this will be the match of the night and it won’t be close. The build to this has been totally organic. MJF is my boy, but Jungle Boy has all the heart in the world. If I weren’t so firmly in MJF’s camp by now, maybe I’d buy into Jungle Boy’s Cinderella story. Sorry kid, MJF doesn’t believe in fairly tales. Life sucks, and then you die. That is, unless you’re MJF. Jungle Boy better watch himself! Wardlow will be a constant presence on the outside, and what he hits, he breaks. 

This match starts with some decent chain wrestling. MJF may be a tad spoiled, but you better not underestimate his in ring ability. MJF goes for a counter out of the corner, but he injures his knee on the way down. NO MAXWELL! NOT LIKE THIS! Even Jungle Boy looks concerned. Get bent Jungle Boy, I was doing this first! MJF recovers with miraculous speed and goes straight for a cover. He just wants to win so bad! You have to admire his heart! Much like Keri Strug when she broke her leg in the Olympics, nothing will stop my man! MJF is working the arm now, no doubt setting up for his Fujiwara armbar. He’s putting the bad mouth on Jungle Boy now! Doesn’t look like Jungle Boy knows where he’s at, but even when he’s running on fumes, he just won’t quit.

They go to the outside, where Pineapple Pete tries to say something smart to MJF. Keep your mouth shut, you asswipe. You’re not on MJF’s level and you know it! Just watch my boy in the ring and maybe you’ll learn something. Jungle Boy is essentially a one-armed man now, and MJF is looking to have fun with this. I can’t blame him, since he doesn’t get to wrestle that much.

Excuse me for being graphic, but it looks like Jungle Boy’s gonna be out of commission for a while after this match, if you know what I mean. Both men are having trouble standing. MJF inadvertently falls into a cover on Jungle Boy, who turns it into a crossface. MJF refuses to tap out! I told you guys he’s great! Jungle Boy gives MJF a reverse Frankensteiner onto the apron, and he looks like he’s out to lunch. Why is everybody just standing around?! Get over there and administer some first aid RIGHT NOW! Everybody’s just standing around jerking off!

Jungle Boy pushes MJF back into the ring and goes to the top rope. The ref stumbles into the ropes, but MJF tries to save her from falling. He’s not quick enough and Jungle Boy gets crotched on the corner. Sit down powerbomb off the top rope on MJF gets two! That was close. After a series of close nearfalls, MJF gets the win with an off the wall pinning combination. Like him or not, he just showed not only how tough he is, but also that his wrestling skills are superior to Jungle Boy’s. Good effort Jungle Boy, but this was not your night. You can’t stop destiny.

Match #3: Lance Archer vs. Cody

This is for the TNT title. Mike Tyson is here, and remember he can get involved in any way he chooses. Archer shows up and beats up some dude for looking at him funny. Tyson thinks it’s hilarious. That’s what he gets for messing with the Murder Hornet! Cody is out next and his pyro is ridiculous. The match starts and Lance goes straight for the win with the inverted Razor’s Edge! Cody manages to escape the ring. Archer goes for the Von Erich claw, but Cody counters it. Cody tries his best to go toe to toe against Archer, but it has no effect. The action spilled into the crowd. Cody sets up to jump off the guard rail, but Lance flings him over the rail and back to the ringside area. That must have hurt! Cody’s doing everything he can, but nothing works!
Jake Roberts looks pleased. Tyson is enjoying watching Cody get his ass kicked. I for one would never attempt to contradict Tyson. Cody tries for a suplex, but he ends up getting flung across the ring. Brock would be proud of that one! No way Cody can win this thing.

Archer charges Cody in the corner, but Cody moves and Lance may have injured his ribs on contact. Cody’s targeting Archer’s center of mass, but Archer hucks Cody over the ropes to the outside. Man, Cody’s taken several bumps in this match that looked similar to car accidents. He’s gonna be sore tomorrow. Cody eventually tries to hulk up, but Archer drops him anyway. Archer turns his back and tries to intimidate the ref. Bad move! Cody has time to recover now. He puts Archer in the LeBell lock back in the ring. Get over it, Daniel Bryan would destroy Cody with no problem whatsoever. Cody gives Archer a DDT in front of Jake Roberts, but Archer has time to breathe while Cody is taunting Jake. Archer gives Cody a spinebuster and pretty much tells Double A to suck it.
Cody gives Lance an RKO but he can’t win with that because it’s not his move. He now steals the Atomic Elbow. Does Cody have any of his own shit?  Apparently not, because he just stole Dustin’s twisting suplex move. Cross Rhodes next, but Archer kicks out at two. Stinger Splash, but it doesn’t work and Lance gives him a chokeslam and a Von Erich claw.

Archer goes to walk the rope again, but Double A cheats to save Cody and gets EJECTED! It doesn’t matter who you are, you can’t cheat in this match! They threw Jake out too? What the hell for? He was just minding his own business! Jake comes back with a mystery bag. What’s in there? I guess we’ll never know, because Mike Tyson’s blocking him from coming in. Don’t do it Jake! Archer goes for his inverted Razor’s Edge, but Cody slips out the back and does Cross Rhodes two more times for the win. I’d be a lot more impressed if Cody didn’t steal everyone else’s shit. 

Match #4: Penelope Ford vs. Kris Statlander

And now, for something completely different. Britt Baker was supposed to be in this match, but we get a medical update from the ringside doctor telling us Britt’s knee is hurt and she can’t go. So we get Penelope and the space alien. Sabian’s on crutches, by the way. Even if he were healthy, the space alien could still take him. He’s completely useless. Statlander does a suicide dive onto both Kip and Penelope! That was ugly, but unfortunately, I can’t comment on this match any further. My stream crapped out on me before I saw the end of this thing. Statlander apparently won with her Big Bang Theory finisher.

Match #5: Shawn Spears vs. Dustin Rhodes

Spears is in the ring doing a promo on Dustin. Dustin’s music plays, but it’s all a ruse arranged by Spears backstage. He tries to intimidate the lady referee to count Dustin out. She doesn’t look the least bit scared of him, but she obliges anyway. Dustin’s music plays a second time, and now he’s here for real! Spears is getting his ass kicked! He’s not dressed to wrestle, and he sucks anyway, so it makes no difference. Spears gets stripped down to his underwear. I think Dustin’s having flashbacks to Wrestlemania 12! Dustin wins with the Final Cut. Anybody still rooting for Shawn Spears?

Match #6: Hikaru Shida vs. Nyla Rose

Ok everybody, this match is for the AEW Women’s title. This is also the match I’m least invested in, but if it gives Nyla Rose a chance to look dominant it should be great. Shida’s looked all right during the build to this thing, but she can’t stand up to Nyla one on one. Sorry kids, time for your dreams to get crushed. I’ll admit, Shida looks super determined. Both women go outside the ring in the early going. Wait, is this a no disqualification match? Ok, but don’t be surprised when Nyla puts you through a table. It’s kind of her thing. Shida grabs a kendo stick and beats the shit out of Nyla with it. I can’t blame her, clearly she’s afraid to try Nyla without having a weapon close by.

Shida unloads on Nyla, who is still standing. She goes off the ropes and tries for some flippy shit, but Nyla counters with a powerslam. Braun Strowman should hook up with Nyla, she’s one tough bitch. It would be fantastic. Oh god, she’s going for the knee across the back of the head and she NAILS IT! That’s gotta be it. Shida kicks out at two. Ok, this is getting silly. In the old days, that was enough to put someone in the hospital. Nyla’s going for the table now. She sets it up in the corner and gives her a powerbomb through the table. Another two count! This is getting ridiculous.
Shida’s getting worn out with her own stick. Nyla’s going to the top for what I can only assume will be a Hindenburg splash, but Shida moves and gives Nyla a knee to the face for the win. This is bullshit! I can’t believe the splash didn’t work!

Match #7: Brodie Lee vs. Jon Moxley

For those of you keeping score, Brodie Lee is not the champion even though he is carrying the belt. I’m starting to think Brodie Lee is doing God’s work, paying Moxley back for stealing Seth Rollins’s title in a past life! Nah, AEW’s booking isn’t that consistent. They couldn’t get Seth Rollins, so they had to settle for Moxley trying to do all of Stone Cold’s shit. Even with all that, I have Moxley winning. He’s gotten a lot more impressive victories than Brodie Lee has since he came to AEW. Some people are even convinced he beat Jericho for the title months ago! I’m not, but everyone else seems to be. For some reason, there’s a bunch of security guards standing between these two. The rings clears and this match is underway. There’s a sixty minute time limit, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Good to see Brodie got some new ring gear, but it still looks like hell. This entire gimmick is just ROTTEN!
Moxley is getting rag dolled in the early going. These guys have spent about 20 seconds in the ring and several minutes outside. I can understand the ref doesn’t want to count them out since it is a title match, but he should be at least trying to enforce some rules. Moxley gives Brodie a piledriver and only gets two, and we’re on the outside again. Why not just make this a no disqualification match? It’s more of a brawl than a wrestling match anyway. 

Brodie gets backdropped through a random table at ringside. At this point, I skipped ahead in this match. This show is becoming a drag. Moxley gives Brodie Lee a DDT through the stage. The refs are all standing around confused. Moxley comes up through the hole around ten seconds later. Wow, Moxley won’t even sell for a collapsing stage! Brodie comes up next and he’s bleeding, but he still has enough in him to go for the discus clothesline. He comes up empty and Moxley gives him another DDT. Moxley applies a chokehold and wins by way of submission.
Wow, that was a weak finish. All that shit they did to each other, and Moxley wins with a sleeper hold? I guess this gives Brodie Lee an out since he wasn’t pinned, but it’s still a loss no matter how they try and dress it up. On to the main event! Finally!

Main Event: Chris Jericho & The Inner Circle vs. Kenny & The Circle Jerks

 This is the last match of my AEW Double or Nothing review, and not a minute too soon! You already know where I’m going with this. I’ve been carrying a torch for Jericho and his crew since I first started watching AEW. This match starts with Hangman Page and Jake Hager sharing a drink together and then beating each other up. Where’s all the other guys? Hangman gets slid across the bar by Hager, then gets powerbombed through a conveniently placed table. Omega shows up trying to look tough. Is Hager wearing his old football jersey? They pour each other a drink. For the record, Omega’s drinking milk. He thinks he’s Barnaby Jones or something.
Now we join Sammy Guevara and one of the Young Bucks fighting in what I believe to be the Jags’ practice field. One of the Young Bucks suplexes Guevara continuously for 50 yards. Yeah, because that would happen in a real fight. At least Jericho’s entertaining in this match. He does a promo on one of the Young Bucks on a megaphone and knocks out the Jags’ mascot. This match is pretty disgraceful actually. I’m just waiting to see who wins just for the sake of being thorough, but if these guys don’t care, neither do I. This whole thing has become a comedy show. People throwing flags, because they’re on a football field. Young Bucks superkicking referees. Enough of this garbage. Jericho, you’re better than this. At least MJF tore it up tonight. I don’t have kids, but I can imagine this is what being a proud father feels like. The announcers are cracking up. Looks like everybody’s checked out of this shit. I wish Bortles was here, he could save this thing. Kenny gives Sammy G his electric chair drop from the stands for the win. I don’t care in the slightest. What a disgrace this match was. Glad this show’s finally over.

My Final Thoughts on AEW Double or Nothing 2020 (5/23/2020)

I feel like I’ve run a marathon. This show went on forever! I’m excited to see what Brian Cage does next. My boy MJF showed everybody he can hang tonight and I’ve never been prouder of him! Good showing for Jungle Boy too. Cody won the TNT title, which I’m sure we all thought was a foregone conclusion by this point, but I wish Tyson had gotten more involved than he did. I’m positive they paid him a ton of money to show up, so I’m disappointed he never even entered the ring.
I guess Moxley and Brodie Lee can’t have a straight up wrestling match, but it wasn’t anywhere near as embarrassing as this last abortion. I’m disappointed in Jericho the most for going along with it. After that ending, I’m sure the next episode of Dynamite will be better. This can’t possibly get any worse. This is normally where I’d say keep kayfabe alive, but these guys just stomped all over it. Makes me sick.

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